


Where I happen to be

by boybehindbricks



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Flashbacks, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Psych Ward, platonic Joshler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-20 02:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9471554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boybehindbricks/pseuds/boybehindbricks
Summary: Tyler is hospitalized for the 5th time after an overdose, tyler thinks he has lost josh forever.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wouldn't consider this graphic, but there are flashbacks to an overdose and abuse. Tread carefully.

Sunlight spilled into the room through the cracks of the white window blinds. The warm light poured over the plastic beds, illuminating the stark white sheets. 

Tyler stirred absentmindedly, tossing and turning beneath the only blanket he’d been given, a sheer white bed sheet too small for the bed. He hadn’t been able to sleep much since he got here, the plastic bed creaked every time he turned over in his sleep. That combined with the thoughts orbiting his brain caused a very restless night.

More light filled the room as a nurse pushed open the door, letting light from the hallway fill the room.

“Tyler?” The nurse called into the bleak room, there was no response so she called out his name once again. 

“Tyler?”

Tyler stirred in his bed, pressing his eyes shut and face deep into the vinyl pillow, trying to block all sunlight from his vision.

“Tyler!” The nurse repeated in a raised voice, staring at the teenager sized lump, underneath the bedsheet.

“Hmpf” Tyler groaned into his pillow, stretching his legs out and pulling his head off his pillow.

“It’s morning” The nurse replied still standing in the door frame.

Tyler kicked the hollow bed frame loudly, before sitting up on the firm mattress. He could see the door to the bathroom was ajar, and the second bed was empty.

The nurse took this as a win and left the room, pushing a large vitals cart down to the next room.

Tyler got up, slowly dragging his socked feet across the carpeted floor, to peek into the bathroom. Josh was standing there, staring into the mirror as he brushed his teeth. 

“Morning” Tyler spoke, his voice cracking on the last syllable. 

Josh spit into the sink and wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his scrubs.

“Hey” Josh said, almost whispering.

“How’d you sleep” Tyler inquired, leaned against the frame of the door, as the nurse had just moments ago. 

“I didn’t really” Josh replied, not breaking eye contact with his reflection. Josh had beautiful eyes, they were deep brown, like a black cup of coffee or new leather.

Josh had shaggy brown hair that fell to his eyebrows, it was greasy and looked like it hadn’t been combed in a week. Tyler, on the other hand, had short brown hair, shaven quite close except for a fluffy tuft on the top.

“Me either” Tyler agreed, staring down at his feet, they made him wear dark blue socks with little white grips on the bottom, they were too small and the seam pressed into the front of his toes, making them quite uncomfortable.

|-/

A nurse welcomed tyler as he entered the main room.

“Hello, Tyler? Is it? Since it’s your first day were going-” The nurse began.

“To take labs, I know I've been here before” Tyler interrupted her coldly.

“Alright, well just follow me into this room, over here” She said, a little more strained than before, gesturing to the “quiet room”, which was basically just a storage closet that they could legally lock patients in.

A male nurse was waiting for them in the room, he was tall with blonde hair, he had a trimmed beard that made him look like a teacher. He gestured for tyler to sit down on the only furniture in the room, a cushion covered chair, bolted to the floor.

“Roll up your sleeve, son” The nurse said, in an unexpectedly deep voice.

Tyler did as he was told and rolled up the sleeve of his black, long sleeve shirt, that he wore beneath his itchy blue scrubs.

The male nurse held Tyler’s arm tightly to his leg while the female nurse prepared the needle. 

The tight plastic band slowly cut off tyler’s circulation, his fingers no longer felt connected to his body. It felt like just his arm was dissociated, chopped from his body and floating inches away.

The pinch of the needle entering his skin brought him back to reality. 

When it was over the nurse wheeled the cart out of the room and showed to an empty seat in the main room. 

Josh was right next to him, writing on a bright blue piece of paper in a manila folder.

Tyler took his seat and looked at the papers in front of him. There was a manilla folder, identical to Josh’s in front of him, along with small, eraserless pencil. Inside the folder were about 30 different worksheets, the one on top was blue and said “Daily Goals”.

Tyler flipped through the papers and talked to josh in a whisper. 

“Tyler?” A nurse called from across the room, standing next to a large metal cart. It looks like the ones that held school lunch in elementary school.

When he got up there a nurse handed him a beige tray with a clear plastic dome covering a plate. He couldn’t tell exactly what was in there cause the plastic was clouded with steam. 

When he was back to his seat he removed the lid and stared down at his breakfast, a cardboard box of cheerios sitting in a plastic bowl with 2 sugar packets, a carton of skim milk, slightly undercooked scrambled eggs, two sausages, a pancake, off-brand vanilla yogurt, and a decaf cup of coffee with cream, exactly what he’d ordered the night before. 

He peeled the lid off his cup of coffee and dumped the creamer in, you weren’t allowed caffeine on the ward so he had to deal with decaf.

Tyler looked over at Josh’s tray, a similar ordeal, eggs, bacon, waffles, granola, toast, and tea.

“What’d you put as your goal for today?” Josh asked, while rhythmically dunking his tea bag into the hot water.

“To think positively” Tyler scoffed, it was all bullshit, this was his 5th trip to the psych ward and he was running out of goals to use.

“I put communication” Josh replied, pulling the tea bag out and setting it down onto his plate.

“Ah, a good goal” Tyler laughed, pushing his eggs around the plate.

“No talking!” A nurse shouted across the room to Tyler.

|-/

The first group of the day was held in the “bean bag room” named creatively for its abundance of bean bags. 10 or so teens filled through the door and took their seats in overly-stuffed vinyl bean bags. 

Tyler sat down next to Josh in a forest green one. The seams were starting to bust open, which become apparent as tyler sunk into in, stuffing pressed against the seams and started to tear the string. 

Josh was sitting next to him, in a bright red bean bag, the color had begun to fade and the seams were splitting. 

“What group did she say this was?” Josh asked, leaning over closer to Tyler.

“Goals” Tyler quickly replied, sinking deeper into the beanbag.

Josh groaned and began to pick at the bean bag’s seams.

A small boy with thick framed glasses approached them, coming to sit down next to tyler. Tyler flashed him a mean look. The boy looked confused, but tyler kept his death stare until the boy walked away from them.

“What was his problem?” the boy muttered to himself, walking away.

A short lady entered the room, she had frizzy blonde hair and looked like a hippy. She wore a tie-dye long sleeved shirt underneath her pale pink scrubs. Her eyes were a glassy green, reflecting off the lens of her red-framed glasses.

“Hello, how are you guys this morning?” She chirped, while sitting down in a cushioned metal chair at the front of the room, it was rumored the chairs weighed 67 lbs. So that patients couldn't pick them up. However, Josh could lift them quite easily.

“Fuckin’ shitty” A girl called out.

“No vulgar language” The woman at the front reprimanded her. “Does anyone else want to share their feelings?”

“I want to die” Another kid responded.

“Same” the original girl echoed.

“That’s enough!” The lady exclaimed. “Let’s go in a circle and introduce ourselves, for the new people joining us” The woman gestured towards Tyler, smiling. It was a sickly fake smile, all the doctors had it.

A younger teen at the front started. “I’m Jason. I’m 13 and I’m here cause I hurt myself”

The kid who said he wanted to die was next. “I’m Ashton, I’m 16 and I’m here cause i OD’d on sleeping pills”

The circle continued until it reached tyler “My names Tyler, I’m 16 and I tried to die, again” He smiled, he’d given this introduction so many times, he knew almost all of the nurses by now.

The woman flashed a concerned smile and moved on to the next teen.

|-/

Tyler’s mom rubbed her palms, staring across the table at tyler. Tyler’s dad on the other hand just looked unfocused at the floor. He looked ashamed, here was his eldest son, in the psych ward for the 5th time.

Tyler was a fuck-up and his parents knew it, you could see it in their eyes.

It felt like hours before the family therapist finally entered the room.

“How’s everyone doing today?” She asked, sitting down in an office chair.

“Alright” His mother responded.

Tyler just shrugged.

His dad said nothing.

“So Tyler, your file says this is your 5th trip to the hospital. Is that correct?”

Tyler nodded.

“What brought you here the first time?” She asked with a soft voice, dripping with honey.

Tyler thought back, his first visit was last year. The memory was so vivid in his mind it consumed him.

|-/ 

_He could feel his heartbeat throughout his entire body._

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump._

_It was getting faster, his heart was pumping faster._

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump._

_The pounding shook his whole body._

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump._

_Is this what dying feels like? He whispered to himself._

_Sweat was dripping from his forehead in buckets, his hair was drenched in sweat._

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump._

_He couldn't breathe, why weren’t his lungs working. They spasmed and shook, desperately gasping for air._

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

_He could feel the cold tile of his bathroom floor pressed into his cheek. The whole floor was shaking. Everything was moving, couldn’t everything stand still for just one moment? A moment of stillness. He was losing time as the moments passes, lapses of memories as he fell between consciousness._

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

_Tyler’s t-shirt was choking him, the collar dug into his neck like a noose._

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

_His stomach was doing somersaults, quivering and shuddering with every breath tyler took._

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

_His entire body convulsed, spasming. He couldn’t stop it, He’d never felt more in control his whole life._

_Thump. Thump. Thump_

_Tyler’s stomach gave one final wretch before vomiting up its contents. His body spasmed, choking on the puke as it left his mouth. His whole body burned like someone had lit him on fire._

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

_He slammed his head hard on the white porcelain base of the toilet. He couldn’t stop himself. Vomit coated the floor, it dripped from his mouth and smeared across his face._

_Thump. Thump Thump._

_He thrashed violently onto the ground, smacking his head into the wall, vomit continued to fall from his mouth, half dissolved pills sticking to his lips._

_Bang! Bang! Bang!_

_This was no longer the fast thumping from inside Tyler’s chest. This was external, it sounded far away even though it was close by. The whole bathroom shook from these bangs. Tyler couldn’t speak, he was choking on his own stomach contents and teetering on the line between life and death._

_“TYLER! WHAT’S GOIN ON” His father shouted pounding on the door._

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

_Bang. Bang. Bang._

_His family hopelessly jiggled the doorknob, which was locked from the inside._

_“TYLER LET US IN” His father shouted._

_All the sound blended together, he could hear distant cries and pleads to unlock the door. The sound distorted itself and morphed together into a deafening buzz. He could barely see, his eyelids were heavy, he was fighting just hard enough to keep them open._

_There was bright white light absorbing him, all the colors of the bathroom faded into one blob, he could feel himself slip away as he convulsed on the floor._

_With his last bit of strength, he turned his head to the bathroom door, just in time to see it fly open with a distant crash. The last thing he saw were feet, storming into the bathroom. Then everything dissolved into the light._

|-/ 

“Tyler?” The social worker repeated, sounding confused.

“Oh sorry, uh…. it was an overdose”

The woman nodded and scribbled something down on a piece of paper.

“What about the other 3 times?” She asked, looking up from her folder.

“Uh, psychiatrist sent me twice, then I ran away” Tyler said, rubbing his sweaty palms together.

“What about the most recent time?” 

“Overdose” His mother added softly.

“Mhm” Tyler looked absent-mindedly to the window behind her.

|-/

They were given free time before dinner, everyone was sitting in the main room, playing board games or talking. 

Tyler was sitting in the corner, leaned against the wall, writing in his journal. He was just wrapping up the sentence when josh came to sit next to him. 

“Are you writing more poems?” He asked, peering over Tyler’s shoulder.

“Yeah” Tyler said, half-focused.

“What’s this one called?” Josh asked, trying to read the scribbles over tyler’s shoulder.

“I’m not sure yet, I just started” 

“Ah, can I hear some of the lyrics?” Josh asked nicely.

“Yeah, sure” Tyler nodded, handing the journal over to josh. It fell through Josh’s hands and landed on the ground with a thud. A few nurses turned around to see what the commotion was, but they sighed when they saw it was the joseph kid.

Josh read the lyrics anyway, ignoring the nurse's stares.

_I will sing a song for you, Tell me if you think that’s wrong, If I let you know I’m here, ‘cause I am falling down_

“It’s beautiful” Josh whispered, before adding “As always”

Tyler mumbled a thank you and picked up the book, setting it down away from him to talk to josh

|-/

Tyler sat alone in the office, hitting his feet against the chair’s legs. It resembled the ones from elementary school, metal legs with a hard plastic back. It was a too small for him, but this was the pediatric ward so everything was designed for kids.

Dr. Craig entered the room a few moments later, setting down a travel mug of coffee onto the desk.

“Can I have some?” Tyler jokingly asked.

Dr. Craig looked at him with a puzzled expression.  
“We’re not allowed to have caffeine and it smells so good” Tyler awkwardly explained, trying to force a laugh.

Dr. Craig smiled and sat down.

Tyler shouldn’t have said that, what an idiot, he mumbled to himself.

“So, Tyler, How are you today?” Dr. Craig asked, sipping from his mug.

“I’m alright” Tyler said, wishing to be anywhere else.

“How are you adjusting to life on the ward” 

“Well, you know what they say” Tyler laughed trying to make another joke “5th time's a charm”

Dr. Craig gave another half-hearted smile before continuing with the evaluation.

“Have you talked to any of the other patients?” 

“Josh” Tyler added, looking out the window behind Dr. Craig’s bald head.

“Josh?” The doctor questioned, flipping through a pale folder for his patient list.

“Yeah, Josh” He could see a highway out the window, cars raced across, moving in a blur

Dr. Craig set the papers aside and pinched the bridge of his nose. He looked perplexed, and a little stressed before he spoke.

“I don't think there is a Josh here”

|-/

Tyler was silent that night, as he lay in the plastic bed across from Josh. He couldn’t sleep. 

The only light in the room came from the dim hallway lights, pouring in through the cracked open door. The light from the window tinted the whole room a blueish-blackish color.

Eventually the quiet got too much for Tyler and he stood up to go look out the window. The white grips on the bottom of his socks squeaked as he trudged across the floor.

From the window you could see a little bit of a street, half the window was taken up by the view of another building, but down below you could see a 3-way intersection. A street lamp stood at the corner, illuminating the road in a yellow glow.

“Josh?” Tyler said, not moving his gaze from the window.

“Yeah?” Josh replied, rolling over in his bed.

“Who are you?” Tyler asked softly, eyes fixated on the street lamp bellow.

It took a minute for Josh to find words to express his hurt before stammering out, “..What do you mean..?”

Finally, Tyler turned from the window to face Josh.

“Dr. Craig said you weren’t real” Tyler said staring at him, it came out angry, but Tyler didn't mean it, he was just really sad. It was too dim to make out Josh’s facial expression in the dark, all he could see was Josh’s silhouette.

“I’m real Ty, you know I'm real. How else could I be sitting in this hospital bed next to you?” Josh responded, sounding more upset than earlier.

“He said I'm imagining you” Tyler continued on.

“I’m real Tyler, I’m real” Josh said on the verge of tears.

“He said I created you to protect me when no one else would” Tyler continued his sentence, not replying to josh.

“HE’S LYING” Josh shouted through tears.

Tyler was so taken aback, Josh had never yelled at him before, they’d only had a handful of arguments but none that resulted in Josh yelling.

“..what” Tyler stuttered.

“He’s lying, Doctors alway lie. I’m real Tyler, you know that” Josh pleaded, wiping tears away with his sleeve.

“I..I just don't know anymore” Tyler stammered.

“What do you mean? What do you mean you don’t know? I’m real Tyler, I’m real” Josh’s hurt was turning to anger.

Tyler didn’t respond, he just stood there shaking, running his fingers through his hair, pulling clumps out as Josh spoke.

“How could you forget our whole friendship? I’m your only friend tyler” 

Josh’s last words pierced through tyler’s chest like a knife. The words stung. Josh was his best friend, his only friend. What was he without him? 

|-/

It was still dark when tyler woke up, the same dull blue tinted light poured in from the window, leaving the only brightness in the room to come from the artificial hallway lights.

A brown haired nurse peeked her head into the room and saw tyler sitting cross-legged on top of the bed.

“Tyler? It’s morning time” She told him, her voice was soft and sweet, like liquid marshmallows. She must’ve been young, in her early 20s, fresh out of med school. The job hadn’t changed her yet.

Tyler didn’t respond, he just stared over at the empty plastic bed across from him.

“Tyler?” The nurse asked again, her words dripping with sugar.

“Where’s Josh?” Tyler asked softly.

“Huh?” The nurse said, not hearing tyler.

“Where’s Josh?” Tyler asked once again, still ever-so-softly. 

He kept his eyes on the bed across from him, sheets were folded atop it in a neat pile, like josh had never been there.

“Josh?” She asked, sounding concerned.

“My roommate, Josh” Tyler’s tone turned bitter, his words no longer sounding like a serene forest.

“Oh honey, Josh isn’t real” The nurse’s words no longer sounded like sugar and marshmallow but heavy duty cleaner and anti-psychotics. She remembered where she was, she wasn’t talking to poor ol’ depressed tyler anymore, she was talking to ~crazy~ tyler, ~off his rocker~ tyler, ~needs a new medication~ tyler.

“YES HE IS! WHERE IS HE! WHERE DID YOU TAKE HIM” Tyler shouted, throwing his journal across the room, where it slammed into the wall with a loud bang.

“He’s not real, Josh isn’t real” The nurse pleaded, her voice turning worried as she pressed her thumb into a button on the door.

“YES HE IS! YOU TOOK HIM FROM ME! WHERE IS HE” Tyler screamed, hot tears streamed down his red cheeks. He had never been filled with such a rage.

“Tyler, Calm down. He’s not real. Josh was never real” The nurse sounded concerned, she began slowly backing from the room, into the hallway where a group of patients had gathered to watch the spectacle.

“YOU’RE A LIAR! DOCTORS LIE! YOU STOLE HIM! YOU TOOK HIM FROM ME” Tyler kicked his sheet onto the ground and stood up, he could feel his heart pounding in his entire body, like he was going to explode with rage.

“Tyler, sit down, we can talk” The brunette nurse begged, looking down the hallway at the nurses running towards them.

“ALL YOU DO IS LIE. DOCTORS LIE. EVERYONE LIES” Tyler screamed, pressing his hands over his ears trying to block out the sirens racing through his head. His vision was clouded with red, he pressed his eyes tightly shut trying to block it all out.

Three other nurses ran into the room, pushing patients in the hallway aside, one carried a bright yellow bag, the others were empty handed. The blonde, male nurse that took tyler’s blood yesterday walked towards tyler and grabbed him from behind.

Tyler kicked and screamed incoherently, he couldn’t see, he just wanted josh. He punched the nurse in the face, kicking and screaming “I WANT JOSH”.

Another set of hand grabbed tyler’s feet, he couldn’t move, he violently thrashed as much as he could. He opened his eyes, trying to kick the other nurse off him. It was to no avail as both the nurses shoved him onto the bed and pinned him face down on the mattress.

He had no control over his body, he tried to kick and scream but someone's hand covered his mouth.

Memories came soaring back, memories of a cold floor and sharp pain. 

_Be Quiet_

The flashbacks consumed him and he tried to shout “get off me”. 

_Stay Still_

All he could remember was the burning sensation and the bloody underwear. 

_This is our secret_

He was reliving the pain, feeling his head pressed to the ground. He was choking, he couldn’t breathe, he gasped for air but a man's hand restricted him. He could feel his pants being pulled down.

_This is love_

He wanted to scream, to yell, to die. All he could do was sob and thrash within the nurse's constraints. He couldn't see anything with his face pressed into the mattress so hard.

The last thing he felt was the cold sting of a needle.

|-/

When he came to he was lying down, staring up at the ceiling. There was a man sitting in a chair across from him. The room was so bright, he could barely see.

“Hello, Tyler” The man said, his words stunk of bleach and hospital disinfectant. 

As his vision came into focus he stared at the man, recognizing his features, he had short cropped brown hair, beginning to recede at the hairline. He wore wire-framed glasses and had raggedy grey-brown stubble across his fat chin.

“How are you feeling?” The doctor asked, staring at him.

“Tired” Tyler moaned, he turned over onto his side and stared at the tiled floor.

“Do you want anything?” The doctor asked softly. Tyler didn’t think he was real, he was an alien, he spoke too softly for his appearance, his words smelled like chemical burns.

“Josh” 

|-/

Tyler was released from confinement 24 hours later and was permitted to go back to the regular ward. His 72-hour hold was coming to an end, however, due to his confinement, the court ordered him to stay an extra day. 

The first business this morning was to see Dr. Craig, they wanted to talk about Josh.

“How are you today Tyler?” Dr. Craig asked calmly, peering from behind his tortoiseshell glasses.

“I’m okay” Tyler lied, he wanted to be anywhere but here, back home with josh.

“Good, Now can you tell me what happened yesterday morning? I heard you lashed out at a nurse” 

Dr. Craig’s voice was smooth, yet accusatory, like a brand new bottle of pills.

“They took josh” Tyler mumbled, trying to contain his anger.

“They took him?” Dr. Craig was trying to sound empathetic but just sounded fake.

“When I woke up he was gone.” Tyler’s voice faltered on the word gone, Josh couldn’t be gone.

“Are you sure Josh was taken? Maybe he left” Dr. Craig suggested that made him feel worse, Josh wouldn’t leave, they were best friends, right?

“He couldn’t of” Tyler could feel tears welling in his eyes.

“Tyler, did you talk to josh about what I told you” Dr. Craig asked.

Tyler nodded meekly, staring at his toes.

“And what did he say?” 

“He yelled at me” Tyler couldn’t hold the tears back “He pleaded and begged but I Ignored him. I should've listened to him, I should've known better than to trust a doctor”

“Has a doctor ever hurt you?” Dr. Craig asked, leaning forward in his chair.

Tyler shook his head, feeling his cheeks grow warm.  
“Then why can’t you trust doctors, Tyler?” Dr. Craig asked, intrigued, scribbling something into his notes.

“Because they lie, doctors lie, they tell you you’re gonna be alright, they tell you it’s gonna be okay, but they lie.” Tyler let the tears drip down his cheek, not bothering to wipe them away.

“What doctor told you that?”

“Every single one, they all told me everything would be fine” Tyler could feel his cheeks turning red.

“And how many doctors have you seen?” Dr. Craig asked, running a finger down a paper in Tyler’s file.

“I don’t know. 10?” Tyler said, voice cracking.

“When did you see your first doctor?” He could tell Dr. Craig was intrigued from the way his lips turned up as he spoke. 

“When I was 7, I think” Tyler’s voice became calmed, yet his heart pounded in his chest like an exploding drum.

“And why’d do you see this doctor?” Dr. Craig asked, feeding more questions to Tyler ever second. 

“I don’t remember. My parents thought there was something wrong with me” Tyler knew the reason, but he didn’t need anyone to know it, he didn't need another problem.

“Tyler, Has anyone ever hurt you?” Dr. Craig began “Maybe touched you somewhere you didnt want?” He leaned closer to tyler “Or hit you when you didn’t deserve it?”

Tyler didn’t answer that one, he just stared at the dark blue socks on his feet and felt the tears drip off his chin.

“Tyler...” Dr. Craig taunted, talking down to him like he was a child, his words reeking of play doh and mildew. 

“Stop saying my name!” He exclaimed, punching the chair with his fist.

Dr. Craig looked taken aback by this. 

“Is there something else you want me to call you?” He was confused.

“How many patients have you had named tyler?” He asked, wiping away the tears.

“Uhh.. maybe 2 or 3” The doctor said, very puzzled by this new line of conversation.

“There are so many tylers in this world, you’ve had so many patients named tyler. I’m so insignificant, even in my own life, I'm a supporting character” 

“Who’s the main character?” Dr. Craig asked.

“Josh” The word pained tyler to say.

Dr. Craig furrowed his eyebrows and removed his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose and sigh.

“Tyler?” Dr. Craig sighed.

“Mhm”

“You really are special, Tyl-, ah” He quickly stopped himself and said without even looking up. “I’ve never met a teen like you, ”

“Well that sure makes me feel better, I'm the craziest of the crazies” Tyler exclaimed sarcastically through tears.

Dr. Craig sighed again, “That’s not what I meant”

“It’s what you said” Tyler fidgeted his feet, wrapping them around the chair.

There was a long pause, Dr. Craig didn't say anything, he was still. He didn’t move his folders around or scribble something into his notes. He just sat, the silence was deafening. Even the view out the window was still. 

The quiet was scaring tyler, he was just starting to panic when Dr. Craig spoke, still not looking up.

“You never answered my question” 

Tyler began to panic, he missed the silence, he’d give anything for that silence again. His mouth tasted like metal and it felt like the walls were caving in on him.

“W-What question”? Tyler stammered, his face feeling hot again.

“Has anyone hurt you?” Dr. Craig looked up at tyler and stared deep into his soul. He felt exposed and unsafe, his entire mouth was coated with copper, just like old times. The air was being sucked from the room.

“No?” Tyler’s voice cracked, shit, was all he could think.

“You need, to tell the truth, Tyler”

There was that godforsaken name again, Tyler, Tyler, Tyler. He hated tyler, he wanted Tyler dead.

“W-Why do you care” He stammered, shit, shit, shit, he was in trouble now.

“Because, If someone hurt you and you felt helpless, maybe you created josh to cope. You didn't have a friend to talk to you, so you dreamed up josh until he became real.

“I didn’t create josh” Tyler exclaimed defensively, his voice turning from fear to anger as if someone lit a fire in his bones.

Dr. Craig sighed and twisted the cap off a pen, before setting it down and staring up at him.

“I’m going to ask again, has anyone hurt you” His words were sharp, they felt like prodding needles and crayons breaking in his hands.

Tyler was paralyzed, he couldn’t move or speak. All he could do was feel more and more blood rush to his head.

“Hey-” Dr. Craig said standing up and leaning closer to tyler.

This wasn't fair, it wasn't fair. Tyler felt like he was on trial, why should he have to talk, why should he have to do anything.

Something snapped in him the moment Dr. Craig laid his heavy hand on tyler’s shoulder. He sprang out of his chair, about to launch on the stupid doctor.

“Don’t touch me!” Tyler growled from behind clenched teeth.

Dr. Craig took a hint and sat down, reaching for a pen.

“Tyler, you’ve been to this hospital 5 times in one year. You’re going to keep coming back until we address this” Dr. Craig slipped his glasses back on and said one last thing “Has. Anyone. Hurt. You?”

All Tyler could do was nod.

|-/

_Tyler was only 6 when it started._

_He went over to his friend, Beckett's house for dinner. He lived with his dad and two older brothers. They were sitting at the dining room table when Beckett begged to let Tyler sleepover. Even though it was a school night, his dad agreed, as long as Tyler’s parents were okay with it._

_Once they got the okay from Tyler’s mom, the boys raced upstairs to Beckett’s room. He had to share a room with his older brother, Braden, but he had agreed to sleep on the couch and give the boys a room to themselves._

_Tyler had always had his own room, being the oldest, he thought how much it would suck to have to share your bed with someone. He didn’t really understand the concept of room-sharing and thought you had to share your bed as well. So it was a little surprising when he saw two twin beds on opposite sides of the room._

_Beckett was asleep when it happened. Beckett’s father crept into the room, it was around 9 or so, according to the rocketship alarm clock on Braden’s bookshelf._

_“Are you boys still awake?” His father asked in a soft tone, riddled with thorns._

_Beckett didn't answer, he just laid there sleeping._

_Tyler laid still, pretending to sleep, he’d get in trouble if his parents knew he was still awake at 9._

_Beckett’s dad must have seen through tyler’s facade because he walked over to the bed, shutting the door behind him._

_“You can’t fool me, son” He quietly chuckled, squatting down next to the bed._

_Oh no, Tyler thought to himself. His mom would be so mad._

_He opened his eyes at looked over to Beckett’s dad._

_“Are you having trouble sleeping?” He asked, his tone was warm and inviting, like a friends._

_Tyler nodded._

_“Do you want me to help you fall asleep?”_

_Tyler didn’t want to get in trouble, so he nodded, even though he was a big boy, he didn’t need help falling asleep._

_Beckett’s dad pulled back the duvet and climbed atop the twin bed. Beckett’s dad wasn’t that large, he was tall yet skinny. He had a gut though, Tyler could feel his belly pressed against him as he settled in the bed._

_“Have you ever tried counting sheep?” He asked, placing his hand on tyler’s thigh, beneath the cover._

_“No” Tyler whispered, he just wanted to go to sleep as fast as possible, the bed was too small for the both of them and he was getting uncomfortable._

_“Well you should try, just close your eyes” He whispered, his breath hot on tyler’s neck, sending chills down his spine. “And count” His hair trailed across tyler's leg to his waistband._

_Tyler wanted to scream, this was wrong, his parents warned him about good touches and bad touches, this was most certainly a bad touch. Maybe if he stayed still and fell asleep, Beckett’s dad would leave._

_He didn’t. It felt like forever, Tyler ran out of this to distract himself as the man continued, going further and further as time progressed._

_Eventually, what felt like years later, though it had only been 30 minutes, Beckett’s dad patted the young boy's leg and crawled out of the bed._

_Before leaving he whispered something into Tyler’s ears._

_“This is our little secret, your parents will be mad if you tell”_

_Tyler tried to sleep, to forget, but he couldn’t, he laid awake all night, staring at the ceiling._

_About a month later, Tyler’s mother arranged for him to go back for another sleepover with Beckett, he’d seemed sad recently and she wanted to cheer him up._

_That night things only got worse._

_Beckett’s dad crept in, making sure Beckett was asleep, before climbing into bed with his friend. This time it didn't stop after counting sheep._

_“You’re still not asleep” The older man whispered, his words sent shivers down Tyler’s spine. They were the words of an evil man._

_“I think I have something that can help” He climbed out of the bed, making his way halfway across the room, before gesturing for tyler to follow._

_Tyler did as he was told, terrified of what would happen next._

_The man lead him across the house, before stopping at the basement stairs. Tyler was shaking, he was petrified, he just wanted to go home._

_“Don’t act so scared” The man said, his tongue tied with thorns, before leading tyler down the stairs._

_The basement was unfinished, the floor was a hard gray cement that scraped Tyler’s small feet and he trudged across it. It stunk of mildew and dust._

_His memories of the night were a blur, it all blended together in pain._

_One thing he can remember for sure, is his exposed knees scraping against the floor as the older man attacked his throat. He was choking, he couldn't breathe, any time he tried to scream for help, the man hurt him more._

_“Be quiet boy!” He hissed, the man was a snake, an evil poisonous snake._

_Tyler just wanted to go home, no scratch that, he wanted to die. He was 6 years old and wishing for death._

_When it was over, He gave tyler a glass of milk and sent him back upstairs, but no milk could ease the pain of his throbbing raw throat._

_He spit blood for the next week._

_The worst of it occurred when he was 7, just a month or so before Beckett and his family moved to south Carolina._

_Tyler and Beckett were sleeping in the living room, on the couch. Beckett had sprawled out in the oversized leather armchair, whereas Tyler opted for the couch. He prayed that his father wouldn’t come down tonight. He pleaded to god begging he could sleep through the night, but when the clock struck 10, he could hear footsteps on the stairs._

_Tyler was led to the basement alone, forced to his knees, sobbing, but when he was done, when Tyler was normally sent back to bed, something new happed._

_The man grabbed tyler by his shirt collar and pressed his head into the ground, he tried to squirm, to get away, but it was met with even more force that before._

_“Stay still!” He commanded, slamming tyler’s head into the concrete. He could taste blood, the thick iron tasting liquid coated his mouth, dribbling out from his lips._

_Using his free hand he pulled Tyler’s pants down, Tyler tried to kick and squirm away, But Beckett's dad just held the boy’s legs still with his knee._

_All he could feel was the pain, he felt like his whole body was being torn in two. He tried to scream, to cry, but his mouth was swiftly covered with a large, hairy hand._

_Tyler wanted nothing more than to die right then, he’d been thinking about death a lot lately, much more than a 7-year-old should._

_The pain seemed to go on forever, but dissolved into numbness, not the good tingling numbness when your foot falls asleep, but a hard, forced, numbness._

_The father’s grunts became white noise as tyler laid there, trying to die. He willed himself, sitting there, trying to make his eyes explode from his head, he begged god, please god, please kill me, but to no avail._

_When it was over, the man pulled up his pants and whispered to tyler, staring into the boy’s wet brown eyes and blood covered face._

_“No one will love you like me” before leaving the boy, scared and alone on a cement floor._

|-/

The water was lukewarm as it pelted Tyler’s body. He just wanted to feel clean again, to wash it off his skin. His soul felt heavy like it had fallen from his chest to his feet. He just wanted to get clean, to let the water wash him away.

No matter how long he stood in the shower, he still felt dirty. The water was drying out his skin and he felt like he was falling apart so he decided to get out.

The bed across from him was still empty. Sheets still folded neatly atop like it had never been used, like josh had never been there.

He hadn’t seen josh since their fight, he had fallen off the face of the earth. Ever since then, it felt like the universe was empty, the planets had fallen from orbit and all the stars had burnt out. His friend was gone, where was he?

_Was he even real?_

The thought echoed in his mind. He tried to push it out but it lingered always in the back of his mind.

Today was Tyler’s 4th day in the hospital, well in the ward, Tyler spent 3 days before that in the ICU, recovering from his overdose. If all went well he’d get out tomorrow, on Friday, the hospital had wanted to keep him longer, but settled on Friday, knowing he’d see his therapist the following day.

The hospital was quite lonely without josh, he missed having someone to talk to, and complain to about the disgusting food. 

Despite Josh being gone, Tyler hadn’t had a boring moment so far, yesterday had been filled with tears and apologizes. 

Dr. Craig called his parents and told them about Beckett’s father. They had another family therapy appointment and everyone was so sorry. His father, who rarely showed emotion, broke down crying, begging for Tyler’s forgiveness. 

Tyler wasn’t mad at his parents, he wasn’t mad at anyone really. It was hard to be mad when your entire body was consumed with sadness.

“Tyler?” A nurse called, peeking her head in the room door.

Tyler turned to her, averting his attention from the loose thread on his pants.

“It’s dinner time” 

Free time was over, tyler had spent the hour showering in his room, his skin was dry and cracked from the extended shower, but he still felt dirty.

Dinner was served, He lifted the lid to reveal his meal, chicken noodle soup, mixed vegetables with small packets of salt and pepper, mashed potatoes, a small plastic bowl of gravy, split peas, and a dinner roll. 

It looked good but tyler wasn’t really hungry. He nibbled around until a nurse said he’d eaten enough.

|-/

After lunch the next day, a nurse approached Tyler, placing her hand on his shoulder.

“Are you ready?” She asked.

Tyler nodded and followed her down the hallway to his room.

“Gather up your things and come to the nurse's station” She said before leaving him alone in the room.

This whole week had been confusing, he felt even more lost than when he came in. He began packing up his clothes and other possessions. He couldn’t seem to take his eyes off the opposite bed though, the empty bed, Josh’s bed.

He folded up his sheets on the bed, as they had with Josh’s and walked to the room to get his journal. It was still open on the floor, where he’d thrown it the night Josh disappeared. 

It was open to the page of his poem, Trust Fall. Quickly he took out a pen from his pocket and changed the name.

_Falling Too_

He wrote it for Josh.

|-/

His parents were silent as they pulled into the driveway, Tyler was silent too. They had nothing to talk about. 

It was raining, that was new. A thick fog coated the suburban neighborhood. Most people would find it depressing, but when you have such a bleak outlook on life, fog can be quite comforting.

“Tyler, honey, would you go inside while your dad and I bring your stuff inside” His mother asked, turning around from the driver’s seat.

“Actually, could I maybe go for a walk?” Tyler asked nervously.

His parents were a little taken aback by the request, Tyler liked to stay in his room, he didn’t walk around much.

“It’s just, I haven’t been outside for a while and I-” Tyler tried to explain, he was getting more panicked by the second yet his voice remained calm.

“No, No, it’s okay honey, just be home soon, were understandably worried about you.” She explained, tiptoeing around eggshells, trying to be reasonable.

“Alright, I won’t be gone long” Tyler said softly, pulling open the van door and stepping into the driveway.

The air was thick, he could already feel his hair curling at the ends from the moment he stepped outside in the humidity. The season was awkwardly switching from winter to spring, which left them with a sticky humidity coating the air.

He walked across the backyard, the wet crash squishing beneath his black and white sneakers. He walked slowly, listening to the noise.

Squish, Squash. Squish, Squash. Squish, Squash.

Eventually, he made his way to the chain link fence that separated his backyard from the woods just behind it.

The fence wasn’t tall, 3 feet or so, Tyler easily stepped over it and landed his feet in a pile of mud and leaves. The watery mud splashed in his shoes, traveling down the path he and josh had forged long ago.

Interesting thing about the woods behind his house, even though they were legally no man's land, someone had built a treehouse there years ago, Tyler wasn’t sure who or why, but he knew it was fate that he and Josh found it.

As he approached the fork in the road, the tree house was just coming into view, it wasn’t the best, but it was quiet, secluded. Alone in the forest.

Although he saw something odd, he shook the thought from his mind, writing it off as bullshit, but as his vision focused, his suspicions were confirmed.

A boy with scraggly brown hair that fell to his eyebrows, and deep brown, coffeeshop eyes was leaned against the treehouse, waving to tyler.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoyed it! I wrote this based on my personal experience in an Ohio psych ward, I mean I didn't have an imaginary friend or get sedated, but I did yell at a nurse and get put in solitary for an hour. Anyways, hope you enjoyed it!


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